just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
