there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I wish i was in the wii world.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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