I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
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