I cannot find my penis.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
