I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
