No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize