I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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