Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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