Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
