I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
