I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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