Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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