Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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