the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
