One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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