i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
