If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
