sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
