Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
