It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
