I'm gonna have a badass scar
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize