I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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