My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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