Will you blow on my dice?
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
