woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
