I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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