my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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