Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
