Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
