Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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