I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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