And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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