When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
