When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize