Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
