he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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