Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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