I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
