the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
