Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
