By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
