I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just sucked dick on a ferry
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize