i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Green mimosas i think yes
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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