ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
