and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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