meet me or not, i'm out of control
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
