Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
