Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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