He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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