farters have to be the big spoon...
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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