Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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