I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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