I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Everclear isn't food dammit
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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