I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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