Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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