You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
