I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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