I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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