just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
