dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
