So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Randomize