I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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