Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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