I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
