is your mom at the bar?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
