oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
