a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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