In the future we'll all be gay
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
