I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
