if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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